He Is My Present

Last night, I received a word from the Lord, “Your inner childhood vows have carried into your present, [and holding you from your future].” Inner Childhood Vows? Which ones? Ahhh, those ones….(memories begin to strike one after the other). Visions of my childhood abuse spurred. It was like looking into a clean clear pond as someone stirs the waters from the bottom. Suddenly, it is murky, dirty, stinky, algae-water. I remembered seeing the abuse of my mother by my dad, and thinking I was NEVER going to allow any man treat me that way. I remembered being sexually molested by him, and thinking I was NEVER going to allow it again. I remember being beaten down to the floor, and promising myself to make something of me to NEVER depend on a man. I remembered the tears, the pain, the loneliness, the hopelessness, and the sadness. I remembered my determination in school to excel, to prove myself that I could do it and that I would be ok. I remember those hard times Miguel and I have had, and thinking, “You see, he is no different. What if…then what will happen to you? He loves you. But, does he really love you?” I had misplaced our marriage vows with my own vows of fear. I can only choose one.

You see, he is my present and my future. He should not be the scapegoat of the ghost of my past. Yet, in a subtle way he has.

I was asked last Thursday, “Cruz, How does it look like when you know Miguel is worshiping you?” (quick, answer the question!) Huh? How does it look like? Honestly, I spoke out of a deep desire to believe the words I was saying, yet it left a wiggling pain inside with longing hopes. “That nothing else, no one else matters but me.”

I lost sight of what it was to be worshiped. I mean I know the meaning of worship. I know what it is to stand in awe of something or someone you perceive as higher than you. Someone you see as a great joy and honor to just please. I had to do that all my life. Surrender respect to those greater than me. Expected to serve. But never expecting it to be reciprocal. Longing for that affection, but not expecting it. Why? Well, to not let my own hopes down. I did not want to be hurt again. If I expected little from people, then when they gave more than that, it felt good. But, if I expected a lot and they did not meet the expectations then disillusion, pain, and heartaches came along.

I kept just a little….just in case I need it. Just in case he tried to hurt me. Just in case it might not work out. How awful! I love my husband with all my heart. His eyes cried out to me one more time tonight that He Worshiped Me, and that I was okay in his arms. He is not my past abuser. He is not my past predator. He is not my past. He is my present and my future. He is the gift God gave me to confirm to me that my past is over, and my future began with my present on July 1st of the year 1996.

God’s unfailing love is our PRESENT that allows us to unwrap our future.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Vikki Grijalva
    Jun 18, 2008 @ 10:41:30

    Wow what an awesome blog Cruz, sometimes we need to remember our husbands are not our enemies they are God’s gift us. They know of our past and they Love us like we have no flaws, they come to restore us, yet we keep up a wall “he will not hurt me like all the men in my life have” but instead we need to love them unconditionally, there is nothing they would not do for us and we need to do the same. Thanks for the awesome blog!!!

    Reply

  2. kingsview
    Jun 18, 2008 @ 10:47:43

    Thanks for reading! I long to truly love him unconditionally like he has loved me. Sometimes I demand so much of him, and he does not even know it. I am working hard to make sure I treasure and value him for who he is and not for who I was.

    Reply

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