How Many Times I’ve Gone Baby Hungry 2

(This is a continuation of yesterday’s blog. I cut it in two because it was so long).

People sometimes just do not know how much it really hurts. They don’t know how many times you’ve secretly bought a pregnancy test, and done it early in the morning while everyone is asleep. How many times you’ve cried yourself tire on the toilet seat from a negative result. How many times you’ve yearned for a “+” or a pink double line. How many times you’ve wrapped the negative test in mounds of toilet paper and shoved it deep down into the garbage can just as you do with your dream. How many times mother’s day is a day of FAKE smiles. How many times you’ve caressed a friend’s baby gripping your hand to your own purse telling yourself not to break down. How many prayers, fasts, and pleas have gone into this dream. How many times you feel less WOMAN than everyone around you. How many times you ask yourself why a twelve-year-old drug-addict-girl, who is sleeping around is able to have a child, and at the end dumps it in the garbage bin to die. They just don’t know how many passionate nights have been lost just thinking if this is the night, you might get pregnant. How many secret tears have been shed at the announcement of your two younger sisters getting pregnant AND giving birth 3 times. How many baby showers you’ve had to host/organize for countless friends, relatives, and co-workers. How many of my friends and relatives have offered to be surrogated mothers, AND Miguel has absolutely rejected the idea. How many times you wish you would not wish to have any children. How many times you’ve longed to adopt (trying to convince your husband). How many times you’ve taught he might leave you because he too shares this secret baby hunger. How many times your hopes have been let down at the sight of a red stain in your panties. How much medicine and painful treatments you’ve taken. How many daydreams come to your mind when you pass the baby section at Macy’s, Wal-Mart, Ross, JcPenney, etc. How many times you’ve planned/dream about how you will break the news of your pregnancy. Who would you tell first? What will you name him/her? It is endless.

And still, this is only one point of view. I think about what my husband thinks considering he is almost silent about this topic. I see him avoiding the issue left and right. Maybe it is because he too hurts and wants to avoid adding to my pain…he told me that once when I asked him why he avoided speaking out this thoughts….

You see, while other secret needs, desires, and dreams are kept secret, infertility is not. It is a public display of a flawed creature. A creature whose primal purpose has not yet been accomplished. Someone said that the whole purpose of marriage was to reproduce for it is one of the earliest assignments God gave Adam and Eve. It is a sin in the Catholic Church to use contraceptives (well, it used to be) because you are negating your call to multiply yourself on this earth.

I’ve come to a spot in my life where I am no longer afraid. This is my take: “I am almost 31 years old, and have a wonderful husband. If God wants to open up my womb and bless me with a child (four would be good!….I like big families), then I accept. But, if for whatever reason, I never have the privilege of being a biological mother, then that is okay. My future is decided in HIM. I am Moving Forward.”


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Simply Me
    Jun 21, 2008 @ 20:03:43

    Great blog. Heartfelt. I am glad you have a good outlook towards it now. I need not to tell you that God has a plan for this reason, because in your heart you know it. Therefore, continue to be strong, do not doubt your walk in the Lord, and trust His words. I love you very much!


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